Month: May 2017

 sometimes imagine myself as a celestial body spiralling through space, being pulled by opposing forces towards what appears to be an unforeseen end. Planets, space, debris- all fly past me and I have no time, no power to stop, to breathe, to hold; I need to keep looking ahead, looking to my inevitable crash landing. In this movement called my life I often find myself sitting still but I know that I am moving, moving, moving all the time. I can’t stop. Points of focus whiz by me: my children, my husband, my family.  My children are weeding out, growing gangly and specific. I feel helpless. I should be doing more to guide them but they are growing too fast for me to make adjustments. They can only become themselves. All I can do is watch as they grow away from me into what I hope is fulfilment and joy. My husband is twirling in his own fashion and we appear to be on the same path but for how long? This fleeting life; it scares me. I wonder if I’d be better off flying solo. Is there even such a state? Or will there always be other points of focus to tug at my heart, distracting me and bringing fear. How do I freeze time? How do I move through time as if I were in a gallery enjoying moments at my own pace knowing I can always go back, that these moments don’t just disappear?

Then the helplessness fades, even this I can’t hold on to.  I look out and the world is beautiful.  I shove all the thoughts away, push them to the back of my mind because I can’t survive in that reality. That moment ends and I am distracted by going through the weeds of admin and logistics, the daily grind.  I keep moving.

photo above by Marta Lovina